Place Whitty Title Here
by stripdancinglemons
Summary: Captain Holly Short and Artemis Fowl are trapped in a janintors closet. what could possibly happen? WARNING: May contain coarse language etc.
1. Chapter 1

**Ok, I'm trying something different. Say whatever you like coz I don't care. I guess you don't need to be too nice anymore, coz this is my second fanfic (go me!). This is for all the Artemis Fowl fans that feel like reading a strange and extremely pointless fanfic. I don't own any of the following characters; they belong to Eoin Colfer. This is an Artemis/Holly pairing.**

**Have fun, drink vodka, anything's possible!**

"Fowl, you idiot! What the hell were you thinking?"

"I thought you said this was the way to the toilets, not a janitors closet, Short."

"I never said anything of the sort, idiot mud-man. I said the toilets were third door on the left."

"Well this _is_ the left, isn't it?"

"No, Fowl. This is the _right_-hand side of the corridor. I told you that on the way into the LEP"

"Oh… but that makes absolutely no logical sense. This is on the left."

"Yes, Mud Man. Now, if you please, open the goddamn door"

Muffled thumping noise. "…"

"Well?"

"It's stuck."

"What the hell are you on about, Fowl?"

"The door won't open. As in it's stuck shut. And we're trapped."

"D'ARVIT!"

"Pardon?"

"Oh never mind. Your brain is too simplistic to possibly understand."

"…"

"Have you tried the handle, Mud Man?"

"Negatori, Short. And stop calling me Mud Man. It hurts my feelings."

"What, you haven't tried the handle? What kinda frigging idiot _are _you?

"Ha, ha. Very funny, Short. There _isn't_ a handle."

"WHAT?"

"There isn't a handle on the door, you idiot."

"D'arvit, Fowl, I'm not an idiot. You need an IQ of at least 800 to be accepted into the LEP"

"Yeah… so what do we do now?"

"HHHEEEELLLLPPP! I'M STUCK IN HERE WITH A FRIGGING MUD MAN AND I'M GOING TO DIE!"

"Holly, SHUT UP! I don't think anyone can hear us."

"Help…"

"What happened to Butler?"

"I don't know. Maybe he got lost, or went to the _actual toilets_. I'm sure he'd at least have a small brain in that Neanderthal skull of his."

"…"

"…"

"How about we play a game?"

"What do you have in mind, Mud Man?"

"Truth?"

"Truth? How do you play that?"

"Well, we take turns asking questions and the other person must answer it honestly."

"How about… NO."

"Why not?"

"There are some things I don't want to tell you."

"Fine"

"…"

"…"

"So, um, how's your mother doing?"

"She's not insane anymore. I wish I hadn't asked you to make her better, though."

"Why?"

"She's always sticking her nose into what I'm doing. Like when I was searching for my father a few years ago."

"…"

"…"

"What do you think of squirrels?"

"High-pitched, squeaky voice There isn't any in here is there?"

"Why?"

"Um, I, err, a, don't exactly like them."

"The Brave Master Fowl, kidnapper of The People, Criminal Mastermind from the age of twelve, is afraid of an iddly wee squirrel?"

"…"

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"It's not funny!"

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"…Blushes deep red…"

"Hahaha, why are you afraid of squirrels? Hahaha."

"What kinda stupid question is that?"

"Just answer the question, Mud Man."

"It's their itty wee hands. Small hands creep me out!"

"AHAHAHAHAHA! Hey! I have small hands, even for an Elf."

"NOOOOOO! The small-handed creatures are coming to get me!"

"Oh, for the love of the Earth, Mud Man. GROW UP!" Slaps Artemis

"Hey, don't slap me! I have a very delicate skin condition. And don't call me Mud Man. I've already told you how that makes me feel."

"…"

"…"

**I will try to update this fanfic once I have 5 reviews. Just 5 reviews for this chapter, that's all I'm asking for. Please give any ideas, as they are much appreciated. Also, put in a random word with your review (I know this is a strange request, but this is one of the ways I get ideas for writing stories.). The weirder the word, the better (and if you don't think I'll know what the word means, please put in a brief description/explanation!)Pink Flamingo Girl(aka FishStixSatay :) )**


	2. Chapter 2

**don't onw any characters in this fanfic**

"Holly, my nose hurts."

"What the hell did you do to get a sore nose, Mud Man?"

"I dunno. Holly, my throat hurts too."

"Alright, Artemis. Why does your throat hurt?"

"Because my nose hurts."

"And why does your nose hurt?"

"Because my throat hurts."

Oo "Whatever, Fowl. I need to think, so shut up."

"But Holly…"

"SHUT UP YOU FREAKING MORON!"

"Fine, fine, fine. But my throat and nose really do hurt."

"I'm warning you, Fowl."

"…"

"I've got it!"

"Got what?"

"How to get out, duh" hits head on word 'duh' to accentuate

"Oh. What is it?"

"I have an e-mailey thingy built into my… my belt… that I'm not wearing. D'arvit!"

"Haha, you forgot your belt."

"So what? I just forgot to put my belt on this morning. It nips in at the waist and is _really_ uncomfortable"

"…"

"Did I tell you about the time Foaly hacked onto your TV system?"

"No. What happened?"

"There was lots of little walking and talking grinning teddy bears shudders at memory"

"Oh, do you mean Care bears?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH!"

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

**45 minutes later…**

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH!"

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You're scared of _care bears_?"

"Have you seen that TV show before? It's given me frigging nightmares for like the last seven years!"

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"OH MY GOD! Look at the cute squirrel! And its tiny hands!"

"NOT FUNNY SHORT!"

"You're right, Artemis. It's bloody hilarious!"

:-! "…"

"Hehehehe. That face is sooo funny."

"Look! It's a care bear!"

"Whatever, Fowl."

"…"

"…"

"Know any good jokes?

"What's seven ft three inches tall, Eurasian, can kill in countless different ways and has a shadow that looks like the green Telly Tubby?"

"Hmm… that's a tricky one."

"Shall I save you the trouble of exhausting your pathetic little brain and tell you the answer Mud Man?"

"DON'T CALL ME MUD MAN! And yes, I would like the answer."

"Geez. Don't need to go all psycho. It's Butler with a toilet plunger on his head! Hahaha!"

"Hehe. Holly, you should be feeling special. You made me laugh a wee bit. Butler is one of the only people who can do that."

"Wow. I'll try not to remember that."

"Great."

"…"

"…"

**hope everyone enjoyed, and if you didn't, you can take your complaints and shove 'em up ya arse! Pink Flamingo Girl ;)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Nothing to say here, so read my fanfic.**

"Humming circus song do do do-de-do do do doo doo-do, dum de dum do dum…"

"Artemis, what are you doing?"

"I'm humming the circus song. You know, the one where all the clowns come out and start juggling and going in circles on unicycles. Do do do-de-do doo…"

Oo "Right. With clowns shudders."

"Yes, I did say CLOWNS, didn't I?"

"As in clowns with those overly-happy painted on smiley faces?"

"Yes, Holly. As in clowns with those overly-happy painted on smiley faces. Have you ever been to a circus?"

"No, I haven't Artemis. Have you?"

"No. My childhood seems incomplete sighs dramatically. Do you want to know what else they have at the circus?"

"No, Artemis. What else do they have at the circus?"

"LLAMA'S WEARING SKIRTS! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"That's very nice. Now, has that wonderful mind of yours come up with any clever plans to get us out of here?"

"No. I quite like being in here. Nice and cosy, don't you think?"

Oo "Yeah."

"If you could pick anyone to be stuck in a cupboard with, who would you choose?"

"Foaly. Who would you choose?"

"Hmm… probably you or Butler."

"Why me?"

"I don't know. You're not too awful."

"Well, I think you are… Hehehehe."

:-! "Hey! starts sobbing That's not very nice!"

"I wasn't being serious, eejit!"

"Don't call me an eejit. I'm not stupid."

"Ok, Mud Man."

"Or that."

"…rolls eyes…"

"I'm hungry. Holly, do you have any food with you?"

"No, Fowl. You just called me Holly."

"I did not!"

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**A/N: tee hehe. This is sooo much fun!**

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"Did not, TIMES A HUNDRED!"

"Did too, TIMES A THOUSAND!"

"Did not, times infinity. HA! You can't beat that!"

"I can so. Did too times infinity PLUS ONE! HAHA! I WIN!"

Oo "Fine. What were we arguing about, anyway?

"I don't know. Or care."

"Eh…"

"…"

"I'm still hungry."

"What, you were hungry before?"

"Yes. I told you the first time."

"Oh. You could try looking around in here."

"Alright… Rummaging noises… I've got _something_."

"What is it?"

"Sniffs AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH!"

"What?"

"It bit my nose!"

"What the hell?"

"You hold it. Try sniffing it."

"Takes mystery object, sniffs D'ARVIT!"

"Bite your nose too?"

"Yup. I think it might be Erwin."

"Who's Erwin?"

"Nothing much. Just the Janitors Rat."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH!"

Oo "What now?"

"RATS HAVE SMALL HANDS AND **I JUST TOUCHED IT!**"

" AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHA!"

"Shut up."

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHA!"

"…"

**45 minutes later…**

"Hahaha!"

"…"

"D'arvit, you crack me up Fowl."

"Yeah, Whatever."

"Awwwe, is the wittle baby gunna sulk now?"

"I'm not some sort of chew toy for rats WITH SMALL HANDS!"

"Well, I think you'd make quite a nice chew toy for Erwin"

"BUT ERWIN HAS SMALL HANDS!"

"So?"

"If I'm going to be some sort of chew toy, I'd like it if the animal didn't have scarily small hands"

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHA!"

"…"

"…"

**Mwahahaha! I love pointless chapters, and that had a lot of pointlessness. Hmmm… if I get thirty reviews I will update again. Or if I get another fabulous idea (or in my case, an idea that one of my friends/reviewers has suggested) :) Catwytch gave me plenty! (A whole page) and thanx to schizophrenic squirrel (I should be writing for months) I dedicate the chew toys to Catwytch because she seriously has a problem with chewing things and needs a chew toy (that's what she's getting for her b-day HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA XD).**


	4. Chapter 4

**I'm sorry if anyone thinks the Artemis or Holly is out of character, but that's the way things are. Sorry again, I meant the fanfic was about Artemis and Holly, not a romance type thing.**

"What's one of your fondest childhood memories, Artemis?"

"Well, there was that time with the 8 giant small-handed rat-like mouse-squirrels coming down on us from the juju berry trees to eat all the green slimey monsters that were following me."

"Oooh, how exciting. Where's the popcorn?"

"Hahaha, no. I'm being totally serious. That was the least fondest memory of my childhood."

"I asked for your _fondest_ memory, mud man."

"Come on, Fowl. You have to have one. EVERYONE has one."

"Even you?"

"Yes, even me."

"Well, tell me what it is then."

"I – I – I can't think of it right now."

"That means you don't have one then. Like me."

"I do so have one! I just can't think of it right at this very moment."

"Sure, sure."

:-!"Just let me think for a minute."

"…"

"Well there was the… no wait that didn't turn out so great…"

"Ha exactly. You have no happy childhood memories, just like me."

"That's not true! There was this one time when I was… no that didn't turn out so great either."

"AHA! Once again Artemis is right! HA in your face Holly! Admit it. I'm right and your wrong! I'm right, you're wrong, I'm right, you're wrong, I'm right, you're wrong! Admit it, Admit It, ADMIT IT!"

"No really I do have happy childhood memories! Just give me a couple of minutes! And don't interrupt my train of thoughts! And you just called me Holly."

"Did not!"

"Must've been hearing things."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

" I've got it! The first time I flew! I was wearing a pair of Sashimi wings. They are extremely old now and it's pretty much impossible to see them let alone purchase them or try them out! It is really old technology nowadays."

"So that was your best childhood memory?"

"Umm, yes. What about yours?"

"I dunno. I thought I said I didn't have one."

"EVERY ONE HAS ONE, MUD MAN!"

"Ok, ok, I'm thinking."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"EUREKA! I'VE GOT IT! It was the time I created my super army of brain-eating computer-generated mushrooms!"

"Snorts with suppressed laughter That's your best childhood memory?"

"Yes. What were you expecting? That time when my father took me to the beach to fly a kite, and then the evil Fishy Fishes came out of the water and tried to TIE ME UP with the kite string?"

"Well, something similar at least. All mud men have that sort of thing for their fondest memories."

"_All_ mud men?"

"Umm, yes. Or at least all the normal ones."

"And I'm normal?"

"Um, yeah I guess."

"I'm not normal, Holly. I'd think you'd have figured it out after being trapped in here for the last few hours with me."

"Haha, you just called me Holly. Again."

"I DID NOT!"

"Did so, times infinity."

"DID NOT TIMES INFINITY _PLUS ONE!_"

"Oooh, look who's a big boy now!"

Oo "…"

"…"

"…"

**Big thanx to all that have reviewed – Now, click on the pretty 'go' button, and type in a nice wee review for me! Also, I'm running low on random words; please send me a few more of them. They're great for getting ideas for yet another pointless chapter that's only there to fill in the gaps that are coming to eat me. They aren't pretty.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Well, howdy y'all! If the way I am writing this fic changes, I place all blame on Eoin Colfer himself. This is because the fourth book has just been released in the hellhole we call New Zealand. Don't forget my computer-generated army of brain-eating magic mushrooms. They're waitin' and they're gettin' hungry for some of them fingers from all those people that are writing nasty reviews squints at person reading this and trying to decide whether or not to send my mushrooms out anyway this chapter isn't really long. It's just extremely pointless. Enjoy :)**

"Hmmm. I wonder what Butler's doing right now…"

"I don't know. Or care."

Meanwhile, with Butler… 

Standing outside the real bathroom door "Artemis, are you done yet? You've been in there an awfully long time."

Back to Artemis and Holly (personally, I think they're having a far more exciting time, but then that's just me and What Would I Know?)

"I'm bored."

"Really, Artemis?"

"Hey, YOU just called ME Artemis!"

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**45 minutes later (isn't that a great amount of time? I seem to use it a lot.)**

"Did not times infinity _plus one_!"

"…"

"…"

"Hey, I found a randomly placed mushroom patch. FOOD!"

"Wow, calm down, mud man. It's only _mushrooms_."

"Yeah, and I'm going to eat them." Chewing and slurpy eating noises emitted from Artemis's general direction

"Ewe. You are dis_gust_ing."

"I most certainly am not."

"You most certainly am are."

"I feel dizzy, Holly. Why do I feel dizzy?"

"Maybe it was the mushrooms. How many did you eat?"

after amoment of consideration "Lots."

"They didn't have a magical feeling about them, did they?"

"Yeah, they did. Why?"

"No reason. They were probably just Magic Mushrooms. Do you see any pretty colours?"

"Lots of pretty colours. Do YOU see the pretty colours, talking rainbow splodge?"

"No, Fowl. You're high."

"Hehehehe. Am not, oh colourful one!"

"Ok. You're not high. You're on Magic Mushroom Juice."

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Yes, Mud Man. Laugh at the colourful splodge."

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"…"

Flings arms above head and starts preaching to the ceiling of the Janitors' closet "OH MIGHTYFUL COLOURS! COME DOWN AND SHARE YOUR PRETTINESS WITH THE WHOLE _WORLD_!"

"So this is what it looks like to see a high Mud Man. That's something I can now add to my list of 'Strange and Wonderful Things I Shall Probably Never See Again.'"

**90 minutes later… (Oh the thrill, I've used a different time!)**

"Holly, my head hurts. Why does my head hurt, Holly?"

"You ate some Magic Mushrooms, Fowl."

"No way! I'm not STUPID or anything. I'd NEVER do that."

"You did."

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"Did not."

"Did so."

"Did not."

"Did so."

"Did not."

"Did so."

"Did not."

"Did so."

"Did not."

"Did so."

"Did not."

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"Did not."

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"Did not."

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"Did not."

"Did so."

"Did not."

"Did so."

"Did not."

"Did so."

"Did not."

"Did so."

"Did not."

"Did so."

"I DID NOT!"

"You did so, times infinity."

"I did not times infinity plus one."

"This is getting boring. I want to play a new game."

Ominous beeping noise comes from nowhere in particular "What was that?"

"The ominous beeping noise that came from nowhere in particular?"

"Yes, that ominous beeping noise that came from nowhere in particular. What was it?"

"I don't know." Beeping noise happens again O,o

O,o "…"

"…"

**Well, that's all I can think of right now! Don't forget to push the pretty 'go' button. It may take me a while before I next update. As I said, the fourth book is out and I'm not always the fastest of readers :)**


	6. Chapter 6

**Rightyo, here's another chapter from me! Hope you like it, if you don't then you can just sue me. Oh yeah, I haven't said this for a while (if at all…) - I own none of the following characters, just what they do. I am not Eoin Colfer, or even something that vaguely resembles him.**

"Holly…"

"What Lord Fowl Breath?"

"I'm hungry. Again."

"What a shock. Tell me why I am ever so exceedingly shocked?"

"Because I am a genius and geniuses don't get hungry like this?"

O,o "Right… What happened to that beeping noise that occurred in the last chapter?"

"Why are you asking me?"

"I wasn't asking you, Mud Boy. I was asking the author, Fish Stix Satay."

Me: "I don't know. Nowhere in particular, I guess. It was that sort of beep that was just happy being nowhere in particular at any particular point in this particular fanfic. And yes Holly, I could say particular more times in any one particular sentence."

"How did she know I was going to ask that?"

"I don't know. Maybe it's because she's the omni-present author that got the brilliant idea of shoving us in a janitors closet together for no particular reason in particular with this particular story."

:-! "SHUT UP! That is such an annoying word!" beep returns from nowhere in particular "AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHH!"

"Hey… the beep is back!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"…"

"…"

"OH MY GOD!"

"What is it, Fowl?"

"I found another randomly placed patch of mushrooms!" Slurping noises emitted from Artemis's general direction

"You're going to regret that, my little Mud Boy!"

"Whatever."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Look at me, with my pretty bracelet and tiara, I'm a flipping Princess."

"D'arvit. Now I have to take this off my list."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

Can't think of how to word any ideas right now. Sorry it's a short chapter, but I have some writer's block (very sad, loosing talent to write my name!). I think I'll say some thank yous and note to my reviewers:

**Schizophrenic squirrel: yes I am from New Zealand. Where are you from? I finished the forth book the other day (have you read it yet? What do you think about it?) I was extremely disappointed and noticed there was a certain lack of a particular Foaly.**

**Catwytch: I'm watching you… mushroom killer.**

**Pure Idiocy: thanx, but the nice men in the white jackets say I'm perfectly fine.**

**Queen of Randomness: thanks for the ideas; I might borrow a few.**

**Can't think any more… brain in overload. **


	7. Chapter 7

**Why do I always get brilliant ideas after I've posted a tiny nothingness chapter? I ask you in all the seriousness I possess (granted that it isn't much!). Read and review. Song lyrics are more than likely to be copywrited. In that case, the belong to 48May (some random New Zealand band)**

"Hey… it's one of Artemis's randomly placed mushroom patches. I wonder what it's like to be on magic mushroom juice?"

"Were you talking to me, Captain Short?"

" 'Captain Short?' Since when did you call me 'Captain Short'?"

"Since… now."

"Eh. I'm going to eat one of your randomly placed mushroom patches. I'm hungry, and haven't eating for AGES!"

"Be my guest. I'm totally stuffed from eating too may of those mushrooms."

Slurping noise from holly's direction "Yummy.'

"Really? I couldn't possibly have guessed that, after eating TWO WHOLE PATCHES?"

O,o "whatever, my little mud boy."

"KEEP YOURSELF TOGETHER CAPTAIN!"

"I feel like singing… and … and… and DANCING!"

"You do that, Captain."

Throws head back and puts arms over her head and starts singing and twirling in uncoordinated circles "Spinning around you were always a dancer in my eyes… Falling too fast Always seemed to come Easy to meeeeeee… Don't you know whyyyyy? Don't you knoooow whyyyyy?"

"Right… I wasn't like this when I ate the mushrooms, was I?"

Starts slapping self gently on cheeks "Pretty Holly! BEAUTIFUL Holly!"

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHA!"

"Spinning around you were always a dancer in my eyes… Falling too fast Always seemed to come Easy to meeeeeee… Don't you know whyyyyy? Don't you knoooow whyyyyy?"

O,o "…"

Starts giggling uncontrollably "Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe."

"What's so funny?"

"Hehehehe. Do you really want to know?"

"Yes, Captain. Now, would you be so kind as to tell me?"

"Snorts with laughter YOU'RE A BOY! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHA!"

**Well, I know it's short (again) but I forgot my ideas when it got removed from the site. Anyhoo, read and review!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Howdy y'all, I'm back! Yes, to whoever asked, I am also known as fish stix satay, and this is the same story as before, I'm just continuing, as I would've liked to.**

"Fowl, why did you let me eat those mushrooms?"

"Do I really need a reason, oh mighty Capitan?"

"Well, um, yes. It would be nice."

"What part of ME made YOU think I could possibly be NICE?"

"I dunno. Maybe the fact that I'm relatively nice to you should be enough."

"Sorry to burst your bubble, captain, but I'm simply not nice. Or at least not nice to you."

"I thought there might be some hidden depths to you."

"Oh, no. You've always been wrong there – I really am this shallow."

O,o "Why do I even bother?"

"I dunno. Because you're a faerie?"

O,o "AAAAARRRRGGGHH!"

"…"

"Why am I stuck in here with a stupid Mud Man who thinks I'm so tolerant with him just because I'm a freaking ELF? I ask you what I'm even doing in a stupid fic like this."

I poke my head around the door "That's not a very nice thing to say Holly. Do you have ANY idea how much TIME and EFFORT I've put into writing this fanfic, and having vaguely interesting things for you to do?"

"Don't need to get all worked up!" Shoots a pleading look at Artemis, who quite simply shrugs his shoulders and continues to examine his fingernails (they really were quite fascinating at this precise moment in time)

"YES I DO! Do you want me to leave this fic, and stop writing it for the rest of all eternity, and leave you trapped in the utmost boredom of doom?"

Artemis, sounding hopeful "Yes?"

O,o "…"

"That's it! I'm leaving! Have fun in your swirling vortex of boredom!" door slams

"FOWL YOU _IDIOT!_"

"Why? What did I do?"

"YOU MADE THE BLOODY AUTHOR LEAVE!"

"Oh…"

Rolls eyes towards ceiling "Pink Flamingo Girl? Please come back! It's dark and boring in here. And Artemis has resolved to poking the mop. I think his intelligence deserted him along with you."

Me, poking head through trapdoor "Really? Well good luck for you! I'm not coming back until you can make him apologise."

"Fowl?"

"What? I don't like that tone. It's scaring me."

"APOLOGISE TO HER! Idiot bloody mud boy."

"No. I'm having fun without her here."

Mulch appears apparently out of nowhere "Allo, Allo, Allo!"

"Mulch! I've never been happier to see a convict in my entire life! Actually, I never thought I'd possibly be happy to see you."

"Well, I'm here. And I'm gunner get you outta here. Come on."

"A duh ya duh ya, thank oo mulch!" Remember that Artemis is stupid right now

I come screaming back in "I LEAVE MY FANFIC FOR TWO MINUTES, AND IN COMES MULCH WITH A HALF-ARSED ESCAPE PLAN, POTENTIALLY RUINING ALL IDEAS I HAD FOR THIS FIC?"

"Well, yeah. That was my plan. Well, holly, Fowl. I'm afraid I have to leave now that the author's back. It was nice knowing ya!"

**Well, that's all I'm giving you at the moment. Don't worry; I won't be placing myself in the story again. Much. Sorry it's unreasonably short for the amount of time it's taken me to write, but there's a stupid thing called school reports that got in the way. That and my mother going off her nut at my lack of completed homework. Thanks to all my wonderful reviewers (though in my opinion, I would like a few more.) I'd like another 15 reviews before the next time I update. And don't forget the random words, I'm running low on them!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Hey there all you nutters that have been kind enough to read this and hopefully review after each chapter (if not, shame on you. How can I figure out who my readers are and say a great big thanks to them?) Anyhoo, here is what I'm hoping is the next chapter of the fic. Don't know how many chapters there will be yet, but I'm thinking about a sequel (with different characters, of course)… or adding a Part Two to this. On with the Fic!**

"Well Fowl, what did you think of that last chapter?"

"Meh, it was interesting. But I don't like how I lost so much of my wonderful IQ when the godforsaken author left. That just wasn't nice feeling that stupid. I'm a genius, after all, Holly."

"You know what you just did, don't you Fowl? Now the author's gonna have us saying 'Did so!' 'Did not!' for the next few hours. Just because you called me Holly."

Me, through trapdoor that miraculously appears when I want to use it "Yup! Have fun!" I leave through same trapdoor, which now disappears, just like magic!

"Did not!"

"I can't believe I'm doing this again. Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Artemis, I can't believe you, of all people haven't put any resistance into this. I'm at least making small speeches on HOW STUPID I THINK THIS IS every once in a while. Did too!"

"Did not! And what's wrong with not complaining about doing this? I'll have you remember that I was the one that managed to make the author quit last chapter, and then lost our easy way out of this infernal closet. Did not!"

"Did too!"

**A few hours later (well, why the hell not?)**

Me "Okay, this isn't funny. I don't like having my Grand Announcements answered with stupid victims of mine SNORING. WAKE UP, YA LAZY ARSEHOLES!"

"Yes sir, commander, sir!"

"Butler? Five more minutes. School won't mind if I'm a little behind schedule."

"AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHH! I'M IN A JANITORS CLOSET WITH THE STUPID MUD BOY! AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHH!"

"WHAT THE…?"

**MWAHAHAHA! I hope that's a lesson for you all… never leave Artemis and Holly to their own devices. They'll fall asleep and somehow get a slight wee mind-wipe. Don't worry, I'll get them to remember everything soon enough. And I might say how they got the mind-wipe. But then again, I might not, coz I'm just not a nice person (and I don't know how they got them either. I may be the author, but the way my stories work, I have an extremely limited amount of control over what happens. Sue me if you don't like that.) I think I'll write a few chapters on what happened when I wasn't watching. I am also a strong supporter of letting your stories run freely in any directions they want. As you can see, this story makes no actual chronological or general sense at all. Ideas are much appreciated, I am currently suffering a severe form of writers block where nothing is coming or it's incoherent crap. Thank you to everyone that's reviewed so far, its been giving me the inspiration to go on. Also, look for me on (doomsday fool) I have a story I'm working on on there but it only has one review for the prologue, saying the word "MORE". That's seriously all it said.**


	10. Chapter 10

I'm back (I know, again?) and here is the next chapter. WARNING: will make absolutely no sense whatsoever. Dedicated to Catwytch. Based on true event (well, the setting isn't, but the dialogue is. Kinda. Not really) R&R!

"Hey Fowl!"

"Yes, Oh Mightyful Capitan?"

"I got a joke for ya."

"Ummm, ok. What is it?"

"Ok, you're gonna really love it: What do you call cheese that's not yours?"

"I wouldn't have the foggiest of ideas."

"NACHO CHEESE! HAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

O,o "Riiiiggghhtt."

"How can you not find that funny? It's flipping hilarious!"

"Yes, Holly. I'm sure it is.

"Hahaha. Stupid mud man wouldn't know a joke if it showed up as a strip dancing lemon and strip danced in front of him singing their anthem, a version of 'I'm Too Sexy'. Hehehehe. Mud men have so much brain. And guess what!"

"What?"

"You called me Holly."

"I believe I did nothing of the sort, captain."

"Alright then… DENIAL!"

"I am not in denial!"

"Yes you are. I did a course I Mud Man psychology. You are showing all the major signs of being in DENIAL!"

"WHAT-EVER!"

"Number one: will say that they have no recollection of saying or doing something, when they actually remember perfectly well."

"Pfffft. Why would I lie to you about something as trivial as that?"

"Because you just don't ever call me Holly, and when you do I feel the need to point it out to you, as it is so un-Fowl-ish for you to call me by my first name."

O, o "…"

O:-) "…"

Sorry it's short. Again. There should be a few slightly longer ones, or lots of shorter ones in the next two weeks coz it's school holidays (YIPPEE!). But then, because I'm so crap at updating at the moment, there might not be anything for a very long time. Anyway, something will happen………

Thanks to:

**Schizophrenic squirrel: I shall put that mallet to good use in the next few chapters, and I'm glad I make you laugh. I read the second chapter of your new fic last night and it has gotten much better and funnier **

**Sweet July: here is another chapter, and there will be many more (I hope!)**

**Athletics rulz: thanks… I'll try and include your ideas soon.**

**Godgirl9: I try, but can't make any promises about the length of any chapters. What happens happens.**

**Princess bob: Yay for you! I don't really mind if reviews say practically nothing, coz I enjoy getting them (I know, how sad!)**

**Lugian-Holly before swine: Foaly will be in a future chapter. Not too sure when, though.**

**Faith: cookie. Hmmm… I like it. Will use in future (I hope!)**

**Catwytch: grrr. You haven't reviewed (or possibly read) for AGES! Glares evilly in you direction grrr! **

**Also, does anyone one know whether I should put an altered version of "Mary Had A Little Lamb" on fanfiction or fictionpress? I want to put it up somewhere but have no idea where!**


	11. Chapter 11

**It's official. I have nothing to say for once. Meh. Read and review? Actually, does anyone know how long they've been in here for? Coz I'm sooo totally fabby that I haven't been keeping track. Dum de doo. P.S. to find the end of the "did too", "Did nots" push ctrl+f and type in (meep). I may have put some extra wee bits in for amusement, but they'll be marked with (meep) for easier finding**

"Hey, look! There's a cupboard in here! Why haven't we seen it before?"

"I dunno why YOU haven't noticed it before."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Are you telling me that the great Artemis Fowl has lost the ability of seeing through CamFoil?"

"You just called me Artemis, oh mighty Capitan."

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"Did not!" **(meep) here's a poem, coz I'm bored. **

**Mary had a little lamb, **

**Its fleece was white as snow**

**It followed everywhere she went,**

**And anywhere she'd go.**

**A school-trip to the Slaughterhouse, **

**For lambs and sheep alike.**

**Her little lamb just followed on,**

**With ignorant delight.**

**Mary had a little lamb, **

**Its fleece turned red with blood.**

**Mary looked down with horror**

**And cried out "That's not good!"**

**For Mary's lamb was very dumb**

**And cut its head off clean**

**By walking into a great big**

**Head-chopping machine.**

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"Did not!"**(meep) funfunfun. I have learnt my lesson not to leave Holly and Artemis to their own devices whilst arguing (I think. Did I do that in the last chapter? Actually, come to think of it, what chapter IS this? I know there's been a few.)**

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"Did too!" **(meep) having fun reading this? Did you enjoy the poem?**

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"Did not!" **(meep) tehehe. I know, you can't wait for this to be done. But that wouldn't be that much fun for me. Plus, some reviewers have said they find this annoying! Humph. **

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"Did not!"**(meep) this is soo much fun doing this. I could quite happily do this all day. But, sadly, I can't. But I will go for a wee bit longer.**

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"Did too!"**(meep) nope, still not done. Should be soon, though!**

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"Did too!" **(meep)**

"What are we arguing about anyway?"

"I dunno. Hey look! It's a cupboard!"

"Hey. So it is. Open it!"

"Ok!" Rustling noise, followed by a dull thud "OUCH!"

"What the hell have you done now, you stupid mud boy?"

"I hit my nose on the corner of the door!" ; (

O,o "…. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHA! YOU ARE THE MOST STUPID PERSON I HAVE EVER MET!"

"It's not funny. My nose is really sore. How do you know that I didn't break it? Coz for all you know I could've!"

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHA! Idiot mud boy."

"I don't like you right now."

"Awwwe, come here my little mud boy. I'll make you all better…"

Shuffling noises as Artemis moves closer to Holly…

Haha! I'm nearly finished writing this, but not to worry, THERE WILL BE A SEQUEL! But it will have to come after I've "fixed" this fanfic under my other penname (FishStixSatay). Sorry to all those that've been waiting for me to update, but this version was soo much more exciting to write, and I needed to know what happened in the original for it to work, right?

**Review Replies:**

**Athletics rulz: yes, you do have ideas, and don't worry. I quite often read fanfics that are leaving replies to reviews I don't even remember leaving.**

**CoffeeAndCherryBrandy: this chapter is here purely to annoy you. Artemis and Holly are such airheads because I said they would be, and just because someone has a high IQ, it doesn't mean that they are smart. It just means that they are good at IQ tests. Take my mum, for an example. She has the highest IQ in the family (including aunts, uncles, etc.), yet she can't tell her left from her right, and is constantly running into doorframes and doing extremely blonde things (no offence to any blondes reading this)**

**EvilAtHeart: here is more, and there will be more soon. I liked the begging**

**adragonstears: you like?**

**Trouble Kelp: yes, I am in NZ, and its great that you think that this is funny **

**Lugian-Holly before swine: yay! Lollies!**


	12. Chapter 12

**Hmm… there have been a lot of interesting guesses as to what will happen next. To be completely honest, I'm not too sure if I still want to do what I had originally planned. Especially after reading the manga comic (Instant Teen – Just Add Nuts). That had some pretty good ideas for what I could do with a cliffy like that. Sorry for all those who didn't like the fact that I'd done one, but I didn't know what I wanted to do now. I don't know if I've said this for a while, but I own none of the characters in this fanfic, just their OOC-ishness and what they do. And did.**

Shuffling as Artemis moves closer "Yes Holly?"

THWACK "That's all Fowl."

"OUCH! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?"

"For your stupidity, Fowl. How dumb are you anyway?"

"It's not my fault that the cupboard door jumped out and hurt my nose. It wasn't a good enough reason for you too hit me on the head like that."

"Meh. If it makes the little baby and better, Aunty Holly hurt her head too."

O,o "riiiggghht…" Sniffs

"Ok, Fowl. Come here again."

"No! You'll probably just try to hit me on my head again."

"No, no. I swear I won't."

"Oo kaaay…" Shuffling noises

**Meanwhile, with Butler and Foaly (sequel will help for this to make more sense)**

"Thank the Gods we finally got out of there."

"I agree, Butler."

"Tell me, Foaly, is it normal for that room not to be visited at all in one day?"

"I don't really know."

"I wonder how Artemis has been doing without me today."

"I expect he'll have survived. It's not like he's stupid or anything!"

"True."

"Hmmm… I wonder why he wasn't in the toilets while you were watching them. Unless…"

"He went the wrong way, didn't he?"

"More than likely. Come on, I think that room's a janitors closet?"

**Back to Artemis and Holly…**

The next few seconds happened in a slight wee blur for all the participants, but seemed to last an age. Sadly, there was no dialogue for that period of time, so it will have to be told like this:

Holly closed her eyes, to avoid grimacing at what she was about to do. One thought ran through her head; _what the fuck are you doing, you eejit?_

Artemis on the other hand, did grimace, and flinched as he saw Holly's eyes close, heard her take a breath…

**Butler and Foaly…**

"I think this it the door he would've taken."

"Well done, Butler. Apart from the fact that that door is the last one to try, I have no idea how you could've possibly figured it out!"

**Hmmm… I think I'll leave it there for today. Sadly, the end is near, but I really don't want it to be! But there are only so many things you can make Holly and Artemis do in a janitor's closet (without slash, people. Any idiot could write something like that.) And I'm sorry I'm leaving this chapter in more or less the same way as last time. And for any confusion. It will make sense when the sequel or whatever is posted. Any ideas for the next title?**


	13. Chapter 13

**Okay. Please don't throw sharp and pointy and ouchie things at me! I know this'll probably be yet another short chapter, and possibly one of the worst chapters, but we all knew it was going to come eventually, right? I own none of the characters, just the location. And the dialogue. And what they do.**

**Butler and Foaly:**

"Well done, Butler! Apart from the fact that that door is the last one to try, I have no idea how you could've possibly figured it out!"

The most sarcastic grin I have ever seen or heard of has just been thrown in the direction of Foaly. Quite amazing to watch, if I don't say so myself.

**Artemis and Holly:**

In the space of another few seconds, but ended up feeling like minutes for those involved, not a lot more happened in our little janitors closet. Artemis opened his mouth to speak…

**Butler and Foaly:**

"Well, what the hell are you waiting for? Open the bloody door, Butler!"

"I can't! You do it!"

"Pfft. Baby. Well, get out of the way, then!"

**Holly and Artemis:**

Artemis opened his mouth to speak… and instantly regretted it. He never did get to say the words "What the fuck ARE you doing, Short?" readily formed on his tongue. In the end he didn't need to. Mind you, he also felt the words had been taken right away…

…Holly leaned forward and…

**Butler and Foaly:**

Foaly's hand hovered above the doorknob. "On three, ok?"

"Yup. Three sounds good."

"One…"

"Two…"

**Holly and Artemis:**

… Holly leaned forward and… kissed Artemis once, soundly on the lips, having it last a few seconds.

Artemis' eyes widened with horror as he realised, too late what was happening. Only one thought ran around his mind, causing havoc in its little circular path… "EEEEEEWWWWEEE!"

Thankfully, the door chose this exact moment to open, allowing Foaly to stick his head around the corner…

**Butler and Foaly:**

"Erm, ah, yes… hmmm… ahh, H-H-Holly? A-Artemis?"

"What's happening, Foaly? Gods' sake, move your big head out of the way!… Oh."

**Holly and Artemis:**

Artemis' eyes widened again, partly because the door had been opened, but partly because of the heads looking around it. The two most embarrassing people for each of our kissing friends… Butler and Foaly. Well, Artemis thought, one shouldn't complain now. At least we're free.

**NNNNOOOOO! NOT THE END! Well, sadly, and annoyingly, this is the end of this fic. But don't worry! There is another fic I am about to start writing that I have figured out is in parallel to this one (I think. Anyway, it's being written as if it's happening at the same time as this, but not quite. It will make sense when it's up)**

**Thank-You sooooooo much to EVERYONE who posted a review to this story, when it was in its original home and here. Big hugs to you all! And an extra special thanks to Catwytch, for helping me write this fic, and to schizophrenic squirrel, athleticsrulz, trouble kelp, CoffeeAndCherryBrandy, Lugian-Holly before swine, and everyone else who has left reviews for all your fabby reviews. With any luck, the next version will be up soon!**


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